X-Summers: Crab Stabber AKA Senorita Foulmouth
Time for another summer associate story. We’re still taking submissions on these, so if you have one, check the submission guidelines and fire away.
Here’s our latest X-Summer:
1. Superhero name: Crab Stabber AKA Senorita Foulmouth
2. Special power: Crazed Crustacean Impaling/ Spanish Profanity
3. Summered: King & Spalding, Houston, Summer 2004 or 2005 (“can’t recall”)
4. Claim to fame: The allegations, according to our tipster:
“K&S Houston used to have this boondoggle of a recruiting trip to the Four Seasons resort in Punta Mita Mexico for a weekend. Excellent way to get to know your summers, their spouses, and how they behave socially. And did I mention it is at a Four Seasons in Mexico?”
“Anyway, a group of people were sitting at a beach campfire, drinking some adult beverages and making smores and other goodies on the fire. Our heroine takes her skewer and proceeds to stab a crab, roughly 8 inches in diameter, that was trying to sneak by the people on the beach. Not a small crab. She then proceeds to roast it on the fire. There is a famous picture, which she more or less posed for, with her holding the crab on the skewer with a maniacal grin on her face. Let’s just say some of the partners, spouses and others sitting around the campfire were a little shocked.”
“At another point during that summer, our heroine was sitting in at the beginning of a lunch seminar with other summers, attorneys and paralegals. That summer, [a lot] of the SAs happened to be fluent in Spanish and would speak Spanish to each other in the halls, etc. Well, our heroine was talking to another summer in Spanish and apparently cursing like a Caracas sailor in mixed company, when a paralegal politely said: “You may want to be careful, other people speak Spanish here, too.” To which our heroine shot back: “Are you an attorney?” Ummm… no, but let’s just say that the paralegal knew a few.
5. What happened next: “Ummmm…. no offer.”
The rules still apply. Don’t be a d-bag and name the Crab Stabber or try to guess who she is. Thanks a bunch.
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Billy Merck's boss calls him "Senior foul breath."
Too many onion and jalapeno cheeseburgers.
a) Merck doesn't seem to have a boss.
b) You wouldn't be clever even if he did.
Anyway...
"Crab-stabber": That's gotta be a euphemism for something nasty...
"Merck doesn't seem to have a boss."
Can you really call yourself a practicing lawyer if you have no boss and no clients?
I don't know that he does. I could be 100% wrong about that and your "witticism" would still fail miserably.
"What happened next:"ummmm.... no offer.""
Has Merck ever even gotten a biglaw interview?
Spanish Girls With Mexican Crabs
P.S. no offense Merck. I enjoy making fun of the ATL caricature of you, not the real you. Hope you don't mind.
"That summer, alot of the SAs happened to be fluent in Spanish and would speak Spanish to each other in the halls, etc."
ALOT? Was the poster of this delectable ditty (yay crabmeat!) fluent in English, or English grammar for that matter? Ummm...no.
Last I checked, a lot was two words. Yah.
the crab-stabbing isn't that heinous. actually, i think that's pretty awesome. probably not the right thing to do at a SA gathering, but she gets her props for that.
being so rude to the paralegal? that deserves a no-offer.
"Don't be a douche"
Do you use the word douche in your briefs too'?
Classy Merck. Real classy.
4:14: Last I checked, a "ditty" was a song and "yeah" contained an E.
Oh, gawd. As if it's not bad enough listening to secretaries sqwaking to each other in the halls in their urban accents.
bomp bomp bomp yEah
bomp bomp bomp yEah
senorita I feel for you
you deal with things that you don't have to
OK, let us sum up the established limits of SA decorum so far:
1. Swan dive semi-nude off Chelsea Pier: Gutsy. Not disqualifying. Some admiration.
2. Expensing $1000 worth of Crystal: Stern lecture, but still gets offer.
3. Stupid e-mail mistakenly sent to entire firm about how little work you did this summer: Embarrassing, not fatal.
4. Ass slapping: Fired next Monday, no offer.
5. Getting drunk at firm sponsored mixer at Manhattan watering hole, commenting out loud about associate’s fiancé’, then threatening to stab (or shoot) said firm associate: going a tad too far, fired.
6. Spearing a live crustacean during Mexican week-end getaway with firm partners-spouses, frying it alive, while grinning manically + swearing in office hallway like a stevedore (even in Spanish): Scary behavior, no offer.
4:19, that's why the Law Offices of William R. Merck make such a great work environment.
No squawking secretaries, no associates cursing in Spanish, and no clients making any kind of noise at all!
It does wonders for your concentration!
4:27 - Good show old boy
don't forget stealing mass quantities of hot cocoa. that'll get you no offer, too.
7. Sleeping semi-nude on firm couch after drunken evening: unprofessional, no offer.
Lame story- Let's here more stories with sexual overtones and drug use.
Also! Making out with Clifford Chance Partner at firm event - no discernible repurcussions at all (holler!).
Dear 4:16:
I agree, but only if she would have EATEN the crab on the spot.
Difference between style points (Aquagirl) vs. bad taste/gratuitously sadistic behavior.
I also agree that the latter incident is what tanked her.
Yeah, we'll soon have enough for an Emily Post etiquette book for summers. Lat, I smell a book deal! All the firms would want to distribute it to summer classes.
Also, there has to be a story of a summer associate getting drunk-shamed at a firm event or something. I echo Mike's call for more scandalous stories.
The stabbing of the crab and roasting it is AWESOME, especially if she eats it afterward.
To bad she had to go and ruin it by abusing the hired help.
The K+S office in Houston is badass, I heard a rumor that the Litigation associates pitched the idea of getting an RV, spray painting king and Spalding on it, driving it to college game day in the fall and doing OCI the friday before.
i still can't get over the "job of the week" post. and without the ability to post my frustration away in that thread, this one gets it!
can you order a salad at a firm lunch or dinner?
4:41 - yes, but not tossed.
4;41:
Only if its a CRAB salad....
Skadden NY summer '06 associate goes to a NY bathhouse and performs some intimate acts through a "gloryhole," discovers that recipient of said acts is a partner, and proceeds to tell another gay summer at the office about it. Rumor eventually spreads to said partner, who, knowing its veracity, has said summer fired.
4:41 - Sounds awesome. I just picture watching Lee Corso on ESPN, with a "King and Spalding" sign right next to "Go Bama!" behind him.
Re: 4;43:
Charney finally surfaces!
re-read the email and it doesn't say "Skadden" or any firm - anyone else have it with the name? I know the email circulated at S&C.
4:43,
It may be my ignorance of the subject matter, but this seems to smell like BS. I thought the whole gloryhole thing was anonymous, so how did the SA discover that the recipient of said intimate acts was a partner at the firm?
Goin' down in a blaze of gloryyyyyyy!
Dear ATL gay posters, How horrified would you be if Merck was on the other side of a glory hole?
4:51:
Could the partner have had some distinctive, whispered anatomical anomaly similar to Michael Jackson?
Otherwise, no way. Urban folklore.
you're with me, leather.
what is a gloryhole?
Dear 4:58:
Trust me, you don't want to know.
The associate could have walked past the partner later, in the lobby, and overheard as the partner told a friend "Dude! I just got some in the bathroom!"
4:43 - I think that's an old rumor that's gotten hyped up and recirculated. The story I've heard was that an SA and partner merely went to a bathhouse together, the SA bragged about it, resulting in his firing and the partner leaving for a different firm. And each time I hear it, it happened at a different shop (DPW, Cravath, etc...). Post more details or forward the actual email to Lat, but I bet it's bogus.
I concur, if she ate the crab she might have actually saved her offer.
Merck has a glory hole in his home bathroom. It's custom sized for him (1 centimeter wide.)
CAN I HAZ GLOREEHOAL AKSHUN??
KTHXBAI
Q: Do crustaceans feel pain like humans do?
A: Yes, crustaceans can feel pain - they show behavioural responses to noxious stimuli (ie. they run away from nasty Senioritas) and we think they have pain receptors.
But what you asked is "do they feel pain like we do?"
Almost certainly crustaceans don't perceive pain in the same way that a human does - their nervous system is set up completely differently from ours for a start.
And we can't ask a crustacean whether it is feeling "pain" (although I would not shove one in the fire at a summer beach party).
Some events that would be devastating to a human also don't seem to worry crustaceans too much - for example it is common to find crustaceans that were fired from summer assiciate positions and plainly don't give a shit.
These jobless critters seem to get around just as well their Amlaw 100, biglaw classmates do and don't appear to be feeling "pain". (Especially after a few shooters!)
Oh, that kind of crab. Bo-ring.
510, nice
Wait, so K&S no-offered her because she had crabs. WTF?!?
Merck - the "don't be a douche" admonition is fantastic. While douche is becoming overused, I think it is a particularly effective rhetorical flourish when written.
i can't wait until the end of this summer when we discover if picking a drunken fist fight with a chick and losing, coupled with making a drunken ass of yourself at a firm boat cruise, is enough to warrant a no offer.
Okay, being rude to a paralegal is definitely bad... but this story is really not all that interesting or exciting. Where are the summers getting confidential client information and using it to trade on the stock market? Where are the summers who hire lap dancers and put in for reimbursement? Where are the partners who blatantly sexually harass the summers? Where are the summers trashing hotel rooms?
All we get is crab-spearing and a bitch-out session with a paralegal? My God, it's like the gossip page of Boring Nerd Monthly.
This has nothing to do with SA'a but can you find and report some info on Conan Obrien's mom? She was/is a partner at Ropes & Gray in Boston...
I can't see why scoring a fresh crab and grilling it on the beach campfire is anything but awesome.
But being bitchy with the paralegal was a bad move.
"This has nothing to do with SA'a but can you find and report some info on Conan Obrien's mom"
Merck can't even find his own mom (she abandoned him at age 4.)
There was only one SA fired during my summer. And she tried mightily before she got the axe.
The following did not get her fired:
• Using the F-word near the receptionist who was paging a partner over the office PA system, which expletive (in her distinctive voice) became audible to the entire office in the middle of a work day.
• Bragging openly about “having sex’ in the stacks at Boalt in the law library.
• Tripping and falling on her face in front of a packed morning law and motion calendar in SF Super Court while delivering ex parte papers to the judge’s clerk.
• Stabbing a crab and frying it at the summer picnic (just kidding).
No, although the above exploits did not exactly endear her to the hiring partner, what got her fired was rudeness to a judge’s clerk, who then complained…..
This reminds me of the time Michael Vick impaled a pitbull with a skewer and roasted it over a fire.
And then got sued in Federal District Court by a pro se prison inmate seeking a billion billion in damages for physical emotional distress.
Seriously, PETA got the SA in the post fired, and not the foreign language hallway expletives? (Crustaceans do feel pain—see previous post under Crab FAQ’s.)
Where can we get a copy of the maniac-crab-fry pic?
you folks seem to lack culinary knowledge. Spearing something and cooking it over open flame is and cannot be frying (a cooking method performed in oil). It is roasting or grilling.
And I concur that the story is enhanced if the summer in question not only cooked the crab, but also ate it.
"5. Getting drunk at firm sponsored mixer at Manhattan watering hole, commenting out loud about associate’s fiancé’, then threatening to stab (or shoot) said firm associate: going a tad too far, fired."
Which one was this? Don't remember this one....