How would you like to be sitting in property class at Iowa College of Law, and realizing that you are in the same section as this guy? The Iowa City Press-Citizen reports:

An Iowa City man is accused of physically and verbally abusing his live-in girlfriend on Sunday.

According to Iowa City police, Alvin K. Seals, 35, choked the woman after an argument and caused her to hit a wall with her elbow. The woman scraped her elbow and also cut her finger during the struggle, police said.

A tipster reports:

Seals is a 1L at Iowa College of Law. Word on the street is he dropped one of the three doctrinal first-semester classes (property) already.

Alvin Kwesi Seals apparently has quite the temper. More urine soaked allegations, after the jump.

The Houston Press has written an exposé on the kind of lawyer that makes drunk Texans proud. DWI specialist Tyler Flood is revealed in all his glory as the Press discusses why he is so skilled at helping drunk drivers in their time of need:

“Listen, most of the people we get off are intoxicated. But that’s the justice system,” [Tyler Flood] says. “I’ve always thought people would be very concerned if they knew what we were doing.”

Really? You think people would be concerned by your practice of setting drunk drivers free to careen down the streets of your city? Who would have a problem with that?

More from Flood after the jump.

Today the winners of Lawyer of the Day honors are obvious. Congratulations to Arthur Cutillo, Michael Kimelman, and Jason Goldbfarb, three attorneys who stand accused of involvement in the infamous Galleon Group insider trading scheme.

Both Cutillo and Kimelman have distinguished pedigrees, with ties to two top firms. Cutillo (left), a holder of an M.S. in chemical engineering as well as a J.D. (both from Villanova), was an associate at the white-shoe firm of Ropes & Gray. Kimelman (right), a partner at Incremental Capital LLC, once worked as an associate at super-prestigious Sullivan & Cromwell. Check out Cutillo’s firm bio and Kimelman’s LinkedIn profile over here.

The third charged lawyer, Jason Goldfarb, apparently worked as a personal injury lawyer in Brooklyn. He allegedly served as a conduit of information between Cutillo and Zvi Goffer — the former Galleon employee apparently referred to as “Octopussy” at the SEC, because “he had his arms in so many insider” trading schemes.

More on our three honorees, after the jump.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if some of our Above the Law commenters had one of their classic diatribes in open court? I do.

I don’t know if Raphael Scotto posts anonymous comments on ATL. But it wouldn’t shock me if he does. The New York Post reports:

A defense lawyer was fined $2,500 and barred from city administrative court after throwing tantrums and cracking fat jokes about an overweight prosecutor during a sexual-harassment hearing. …

He even made wisecracks about portly prosecutor Victor Muallem.

When Muallem squeezed between two desks, Scotto joked, “Tough fit, there, huh?”

Actually, I’m not being fair. ATL commenters are much more funny:

Elie - When you first read the phrase “friable issue of fact” did you get hungry?

But maybe Scotto doesn’t have a lot of experience making fat jokes. Apparently that is not his go-to move.

As we’ve noted in Morning Docket for the past two days, lawyer Scott Rothstein is in all kinds of trouble in Florida. From what we understand, it’s Marc Dreier redux, the sunshine state version.

We’re still trying to wrap our heads around the story, but as the Bard would say, the sh** hath hitteth the fan this week.

The WSJ Law Blog is similarly perplexed by the scandal (See What’s Going on at Rothstein Rosenfeldt? Part I and Part II).

Scott Rothstein, a founding partner of Rothstein Rosenfeldt Adler, has been out of the country for the last few days, making this all even more confusing. He just flew back into Miami an hour ago and police have surrounded his firm. We give you context after the jump.

If you’re going to have a little afternoon delight with a stripper, why not head to the local cemetery? We applaud South Carolina deputy assistant attorney general and former legislator Roland Corning for really getting into the Halloween spirit this week by getting his jollies at the graveyard.

Unfortunately, his Monday lunch treat got tricky when a police officer happened by. From CBS News:

Deputy assistant attorney general Roland Corning said he was on his lunch break when a police officer found him with a stripper, a Viagra pill, and sex toys in his sports utility vehicle, according to Corning’s boss.

Let’s learn a bit more about the stripper, shall we?

Ed. note: We gave this a shout-out last week in non-sequiturs (second item), but it’s egregious enough to merit more discussion.

Biglaw attorneys frequently complain about how hard it is to date given the amount of hours they devote to work. Attorneys at a small immigration firm in Chicago may have encountered a similar dilemma.

Perhaps inspired by Maggie Gyllenhaal’s cinematic portrayal of a sex-enjoying legal secretary, Samir Zia Chowhan of Chowhan Law allegedly advertised on Craigslist, in the “Adult Gigs” section, for a secretary with benefits. From Legal Profession Blog:

Loop law firm looking to hire am [sic] energetic woman for their open secretary/legal assistant position. Duties will include general secretarial work, some paralegal work and additional duties for two lawyers in the firm. No experience required, training will be provided. Generous annual salary and benefits will be provided, including medical, dental, life, disability, 401(k) etc. If interested, please send current resume and a few pictures along with a description of your physical features, including measurements. We look forward to meeting you.

Many of you will recall that Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan waged a war against Craigslist’s “Erotic Services” section earlier this year, claiming that there was rampant prostitution there. By her doing, the section was taken down and replaced by this “Adult Gigs” section, which is supposedly more closely monitored for illegal activity. But in our surfing of the section, we saw quite a few ads like Chowhan’s, including ones like this: “I’m seeking a young lady who would like to have some fun with me, possibly on a regular basis, in exchange for some help with bills or whatever.”

At least Chowhan was a little more discreet in his May 2009 ad. But when one woman responded, he made it clear why he had listed the job in the Adult Gigs section.

He defines “additional duties,” after the jump.

Orly Taitz is a California attorney described by Wikipedia as “a leading figure in the ‘birther’ movement, which challenges whether Barack Obama is a natural-born citizen eligible to serve as President of the United States.” She started the Defend Our Freedoms nonprofit in order to wage the birther battle. We’re glad to see that its website does not have a photo of Obama with a question mark; instead, it has a tasteful image of Taitz’s head photoshopped over the Constitution, the American flag, and ALR volumes.

Earlier this year, Taitz went to federal court (M.D. Ga.) to request a restraining order on behalf of Army doctor Connie Rhodes preventing Rhodes’s deployment to Iraq. Taitz claimed that the deployment order was illegal because President Obama is not legally president, and attached among her evidence the obviously-faked Kenyan birth certificate for Obama that has circulated on the Internetz.

Federal judge Clay Land aborted that birther suit and reprimanded Taitz for filing a frivolous lawsuit. Shortly thereafter, Connie Rhodes wrote Judge Land a letter saying she found out about the lawsuit via media reports and had neither asked Taitz to represent her nor wished to resist her deployment.

Yet Taitz is still laboring over this suit and filed an order challenging Land’s dismissal of the case. He responded by giving her a two-week deadline to explain why he shouldn’t sanction her and fine her $10,000. On the deadline, she filed a motion to recuse Land from the case. He didn’t like that…

Allen Feingold, a former Pennsylvania attorney, really loved practicing law. Even after being suspended and eventually disbarred, he continued to service clients — and went to extraordinary measures to do so.

From Gina Passarella of the Legal Intelligencer:

[Feingold] created letterhead in the name of attorney Jeffry Stephen Pearson, another attorney who apparently handled some of Feingold’s files once Feingold was suspended. Feingold would use that letterhead, unbeknown to Pearson, to file pleadings and legal correspondence to lawyers, clients and judges, according to the complaint. Once Pearson learned of this, he changed his password for electronic filings with the court, but Feingold learned of the new password and continued making filings under Pearson’s name, the ODC alleged in the complaint.

To put a stop to his misconduct, a judge ordered the Office of Disciplinary Counsel to lock Feingold out of his offices.

Pretty bad — but it gets worse….

Mental note: Do not mess with lawyers in South Carolina. Don’t believe me? Just read the Charlotte Observer:

Conway Attorney Irby Walker was charged today with trying to hire someone to kill another attorney, according to police.

Walker, 58, was charged with solicitation of a felony after Doug Thornton told police Sept. 11 that Walker had made threats against his life and believed he was trying to follow through on those threats, according to Horry County police Lt. Jamie DeBari.

According to The Sun News, the going price to take down a fellow member of the bar is $10,000.

Really? I mean, who can even afford that in this economy?

Irby Walker’s attorney responded to the charges with the Chewbacca defense:

“I know there’s some bad blood between [Walker and Thornton], but this entire thing defies comprehension, and I suggest it is illogical,” said Walker’s attorney, George McMaster, during the hearing. “He didn’t get a gun, he didn’t go try to go shoot somebody, he’s probably not capable of shooting somebody.”

Police: S.C. lawyer plotted to hire killer [Charlotte Observer]
Police: Lawyer sought hitman to kill rival [The Sun News]

Friday afternoon, we brought you the story of a law student who was allegedly dating pop star Rihanna. The rumor was posted on the blog Bossip. But the student, Janero Marchand, vehemently denied the rumor on his twitter account.

We posted some of Janero’s tweets in our story on Friday. Predictably, Above the Law commenters constructed an entire caricature of Janero’s intellectual prowess based on those few tweets. This was one common commenter message:

From his tweets, I don’t think legal writing will be his strong point.

Others pointed out the dangers of tweeting in a difficult job market:

I think he should provide a link to his twitter page on his resume when he does 2L recruiting.

Bossip also took the opportunity to take extra shots at Janero. After we pointed out Marchand’s denial, Bossip offered this reasoning:

According to a new source Rihanna’s “alleged” man whose former name was Aaron may be gay. Which could explain his hasty response to our story and the tweet from Dollicia denying their relationship as well.

Jesus. The scorn of ATL and wild accusations from Bossip? It’s been a pretty exciting September for this 1L. After the jump, Janero Marchand responds to Above the Law.

When we run caption contests here at ATL, we prefer to withhold the back story on the photo. However, this photo, and the story behind it, has gone viral. We’ve gotten it many times in tips — Thanks, tipsters! — and even our non-lawyer friends have been sending it to us.

We’re running a contest anyway, but we’ll give you the back story now… or after the jump rather. Same rules apply as always: Submit possible captions in the comments. We’ll choose our favorites — with preference given to those with a legal bent — and let you vote for the best one.

Here’s the photo of a bunch of legal types:

Think of a great caption. Write it down. Then check out the real and incredibly bizarre caption for this photo after the jump.

From what we can tell, Janero Marchand was just your normal everyday law student. Well, a normal everyday law student who allegedly dated this woman.

Hey, the man likes fine clothes and fine women; there’s nothing wrong with that. But the gossip blog Bossip blew up his world this morning, when it made Marchand front page news:

According to our source, Rihanna has been spotted around town with a new man accompanying her by the name of Janero Marchand. 22 year old Janero is the former boyfriend of video chick Dollicia Bryan and is a current NYU Law Student. Janero, who wishes to stay out of the limelight, has been the missing link to Rihanna’s life; offering her love and support during her split with Chris Brown.

As the cops in a South Park episode might say, “nice … nice.”

There’s only one problem with the story, it’s not true.

Pesky, pesky details after the jump.

Don’t forget that this coming Tuesday is primary day in New York City. In New York county (“Manhattan” for the uninitiated) the race is to replace Robert M. Morgenthau, the venerable Manhattan district attorney. There are three people running to be the new district attorney for the borough.

But just because Morgenthau is on his way out, it doesn’t mean that he has stopped doing his job. He is still busy, keeping us safe from lawyers that aren’t really lawyers but like to say they are lawyers.

Elizabeth Wurtzel is still safe. But that’s because she’s not been defrauding immigrants. The New York Times reports Robert P. Mangieri cannot say the same:

It turns out that Mr. Mangieri is not a lawyer and, according to Manhattan prosecutors, any fee he received was more than his services were worth.

Mr. Mangieri, 68, has been indicted on charges that he pretended to be an immigration lawyer and bilked more than $1,000 from at least one immigrant from Trinidad and Tobago, Robert M. Morgenthau, the Manhattan district attorney, announced on Wednesday.

Mangieri is not a Mangenius.

Tough news cycle for Trinidad and Toboggans. First their football team loses a game to the U.S. that they could have won, and now this.

That Lawyer Who Was Hurting? It Gets Worse… [City Room]

A few months ago, we reported on the saga of Mark Hardman. He was an attorney for the commonwealth in Portsmouth, VA. But he was fired after only five months on the job. He claims that his termination stemmed from his decision to run for public office, against his boss. Back in March, we noted:

[Hardman was fired] most likely because Hardman decided that he should be the boss, after only five months on the job:

“A 27-year-old prosecutor in Portsmouth said he was fired because he plans to challenge incumbent Harvey Bryant for Virginia Beach commonwealth’s attorney.”

Incumbent Harvey Bryant denies the charges.

Hardman’s campaign continues, but it seems that he continues his fight at great personal cost. The Virginian-Pilot reports some difficult circumstances for Mr. Hardman:

The challenger in the race for commonwealth’s attorney hasn’t had a fixed address in the city since June 1 and last month filed for unemployment benefits in Newport News….

“I wasn’t prepared, financially, to lose my job at that point in the election cycle,” he said. “It had an impact on my living situation, and I continued to… take all steps that were necessary to maintain my residency in Virginia Beach.”

Without a job, Hardman said he was unable to sign a new lease in June, and he couldn’t afford the summer rent for his home on 75th Street. That address was the only one on file for Hardman’s residence as of Wednesday at the Beach general registrar’s office.

Hardman said filing for unemployment benefits in Newport News shouldn’t have any effect on his residency. He said he has used his mother’s house as a billing address for about 10 years.

That is the kind of situation that makes standing on the breadline so terrifying.

After the jump, Mark Hardman responds to these reports.

By day, Jarriette Richie was a legal secretary. By night, she was one of the small business entrepreneurs who are so important to the vitality of the American economy. Not only that, Richie’s business provided services to a critically underserved community. Richie was the proprietor of Show ‘N Tell Entertainment — which arranged erotic male dancers for ladies exclusively.

But you know how difficult it is to get credit in this economy. And Richie needed to fly dancers and guests down to Puerto Rico for an “event.” So, she had to improvise.

The Washington Post picks up the narrative, after the jump.

This is a blind item, since we don’t know the identity of the attorney. Yesterday, this unknown attorney sent an employee a text message. It wasn’t to wish the employee a happy Labor Day. From Reddit:

“Sexting” was the latest hot cell phone trend. Maybe the new trend will be “diSMSing.”

Dear Reddit. It is 10:40 PM, on a Holiday, and I was just fired via text. [Reddit]

Documentarian Michael Moore would have us believe that everyone in the Great White North is friendly and loving, leave their doors unlocked, and have no need for guns. Well, there are definitely some crazy, violent types residing in Canada. Like the Greyhound bus killer. And Ontario’s former attorney general.

Michael Bryant, a Harvard LLM graduate and youngest AG in Ontario’s history, had a minor collision with a 33-year-old bike courier, who then made the unwise decision to grab onto Bryant’s Saab. From the New York Times:

[P]olice received reports of a Saab convertible racing past the fashionable shops of Bloor Street with a man clinging to its side. Two construction workers doing repairs along the road told CTV, a Canadian television network, that the car accelerated, its tires squealing, before veering into oncoming traffic on the left side of the street.

The workers said that the motorist repeatedly mounted the sidewalk and drove near lampposts in what seemed to be an attempt to brush off the man hanging onto the side.

One of the workers said the driver was “yelling pretty loud and he sounded very, very angry.” The other worker said, “He meant to knock him off.”

Several witnesses said that the clinging man flew off of the car after striking a mailbox.

Sheppard — the bike messenger — did not survive the incident, and Bryant is now charged with criminal negligence in his death. Many media outlets have pointed out that as attorney general, Bryant championed laws making Canadian roads safer, namely banning street racing.

But what they don’t point out is that sometimes bike messengers are really crazy and scary. But that doesn’t justify slamming them up against things on the road and killing them. Just punch annoying cyclists in the face. It’s okay to do in New York.

Canadian Politician Charged in Death [New York Times]
Former attorney general says he’s innocent [Associated Press]
Driver Punches Cyclist in the Face After Blocking Bike Lane [Gothamist]

Way back in 2007, a time so long ago that firms actually made offers to summer associates, we mentioned the story of UConn law professor Robert Birmingham. The professor showed a clip from the movie Really Really Pimpin’ in Da South, and got in a little bit of trouble. The film is (apparently) a “prostitution training film” that contained an interview the professor wanted his students to see. Professor Birmingham was forced to take a leave of absence back then, but he’s back on campus.

Unfortunately for the professor, now his girlfriend is in trouble. Heather Kaufmann — who is not only Professor Birmingham’s girlfriend but also represented Birmingham back in 2007 — has been charged with a litany of crimes. The Hartford Courrant reports:

Heather Kaufmann, 33, surrendered to police Monday and is facing charges of second-degree forgery, third-degree larceny, third-degree identity theft, credit card theft, receiving goods illegally, charging less than $500 on a revoked credit card and five counts of fraudulent use of an ATM….

According to court documents, police said that in the days following the death of her aunt on Dec. 7, 2008, Kaufmann used her aunt’s ATM card and wrote a check on the account that, together, came to more than $3,200.

Birmingham isn’t just tainted by the romantic association with Kaufmann; he allegedly also received some of the misappropriated funds.

We have an update on former Lawyer of the Day and Sonnenschein San Francisco partner Paul Glad. Glad was sued earlier this year by a Girl Scout and her mother after running into them with his Lexus.

We wrote in June:

According to the San Mateo County Times, [Glad] had stopped to pick up some delicious Girl Scout cookies. But in his excitement to get his Samoa and Thin Mint fix, he neglected to shift his car into park. His Lexus then rolled into the cookie table. The car pinned Girl Scout mother, Holly Rogers, to a wall, causing her to lose her leg. Her daughter, then 6, suffered multiple leg fractures.

Did we mention that Glad had parked in a disabled spot? And that he was on prescription painkiller OxyContin on the day of the accident?

Glad got some pain relief this week…