I lied, jobs died.

I'm Barack Obama?

I lied, holiday parties died.

I'm Barack Obama?

I lied, Biglaw bonuses died.

I'm Barack Obama?

My economic policies will save or create 4 million jobs. Unfortunately that will still leave 146 million of you unemployed. But this isn't about me. I have great health insurance.

I'm Barack Obama?

I'd like to take this opportunity to give a shout-out to Elie Mystal. He's a cool dude. Also, I lied, even more jobs died. And some soldiers got shot in Texas, or something.

I'm Barack Obama?

I inherited this mess!

I'm Barack Obama?

I inherited this mess!

I'm Barack Obama?

I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played in that, but I think it’s fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two that Columbia University theater department employee Camille Davis acted stupidly in causing Prof. McIntyre to punch her when there was already proof that he was drinking in his own regular bar; and, number three, that there's a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos having to punch white women because they refused to acknowledge how much they benefit from white privilege.

I'm Barack Obama?

Well, I — I should have said at the outset that "Mac" is a friend, so I may be a little biased here.

I'm Barack Obama?

I had a racist white grandmother, and, let me be clear, I did have to slap the white privilege out of her once in a while. Never with a closed fist though, so it wasn't a big deal.

I'm Barack Obama?

I lied, jobs died.

I'm Barack Obama?

I inherited this mess!

I'm Barack Obama?

I inherited this mess!

I'm Barack Obama?

Wait, this is good news. Somebody forgot to reload my teleprompter. Rahm!!!

Ms. Dokupil needs to have the white provilege slapped out of her like Camille Davis and my racist white grandmother.

I'm Barack Obama?

Well, I — I should say at the outset that "Mac" is a friend, so I may be a little biased here, but I think it’s fair to say, number one, that some of these deferred associates need to have the white privilege slapped out of them just like Camille Davis and my racist white grandmother.

I'm Barack Obama?

But let me be clear, I did lie, and jobs did die.

I'm Barack Obama?

My economic policies will save or create 4 million jobs. Unfortunately that will still leave 146 million of you unemployed. But this isn't about me. I have great health insurance.

I'm Barack Obama?

I oppose the legalization of marijuana. I do not think that’s the right plan for America. I also believe that marriage should be between one man and one woman.

I'm Barack Obama?