Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,

“I’m a law student with a record. Larceny by trick, we’ll call it. It happened a while ago. I have reasonable assurances from bar members in my state and my law school that if I disclose and explain (and obviously, don’t mess up again) that I will pass the character & fitness exam.

But does it matter? When I got to law school, I thought I’d be able to get a job. Almost three years later, there are no jobs. Is there any point for a guy in my position to even apply to Biglaw firms? My grades are good enough to get Biglaw, but will they just ignore me because of my past?”

Been Caught Stealing

Dear Been Caught Stealing,

I always wondered what became of the cool rich kids from my high school who smashed in people’s mailboxes and raced away in their Jettas to funnel beer in their parents’ basements. If Facebook is to be believed, they’ve traded in terrorizing friendless ninth grade transfer students with clear braces and an unfortunate Sun-In situation for wildly successful careers and loving relationships. And evidently, some of them become lawyers.

I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: the market for lawyers is a piece of garbage. But as long as you pass character and fitness, you’re in the same position as hordes of other unemployed recent grads. People usually don’t list “criminal” under their resume work experience; they wait until they’re filling out forms at the interview or they’re accepting the job to reveal their checkered past. It’s called “bait and switch,” which you’re probably familiar with. Because you’re a criminal. And that’s how you roll.

I think the world of Biglaw is closed to you for the moment. There is no reason that a swank firm would take someone with a record when they can easily get 300 other people without one to fill the spot. You’ll have better luck in smaller firms where the people are kinder and went to worse schools. Or try PI, where you’ll work amongst your brethren.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Marin

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL -

Cravath Class of 2008 here. Just got my cool $7,500. What should I do with it? WOOT.

Daddy Warbucks

Dear Daddy Warbucks,

First off, congratulations on your $7,500* bonus. A bonus, however insultingly small, is still a bonus. You will be tempted to blow your megamillions on something frivolous like December rent or student loan payments; resist this urge. Do what I do with my monthly ATL paycheck: invest the principal and live off the interest. It’s the secret to a models and bottles lifestyle.

If you want to pamper yourself, get veneers on three teeth of your choosing or upgrade wives. If you’re feeling altruistic, throw some cheese at Art Cutillo because he’s probably not getting a bonus this year, or contribute to the World Wildlife Federation so the ice caps can stop melting and they can stop playing that commercial with the polar bears swimming to Sarah McLachlan music that make everyone very upset for the rest of the day. Or you can be prudent: save half and pay yourself a bonus next year just in case there is none.

Your friend,

Marin

*$3,850 after taxes

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Dear ATL,

Should I be paranoid about pictures from Halloween being posted on Facebook? Some people don’t have their profiles set to private, and I’m worried it will come up in a Facebook or Google search (eek!). Maybe I’m being too paranoid? I don’t know.

Planning on Going as a Slutty Nurse

What’s so amazing about Halloween is that it’s the one day a year when you get a glimpse into the inner workings of other peoples’ minds. Everyone has an inner costume, and Halloween Purim is when it’s socially acceptable to wear it outwardly. There is a kernel of truth behind every disguise, which is why Prince Harry’s Nazi costume a few years ago was so disturbing. You can’t possibly wear a Nazi costume unless you’re at least 1/4th Nazi. In Halloween, Veritas.

Your fear of Halloween pictures showing up on Facebook really sounds as if you’re afraid of others seeing the real, slutty nurse you. A vixen. A healer. An unoriginal. This year, I considered going as Sheryl Weinstein or Blanket. Surely those costumes speak volumes.

As I’ve said repeatedly in these Pls Hndle posts (we’ve been at this for over a year, btw!), you have to be yourself, no matter what the cost. That’s why I left the law. That’s why I subscribe to Dog Fancy. If you want to be a slutty nurse, be one, Facebook and Google footprint be damned. Live free or die hard.

Happy Halloween!

Your friend,

Marin

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,

I am a T20 2L in the top half (but not top 1/3) of my class. Since I know I will not be able to secure a job practicing law to pay off my loans, and would prefer to avoid returning to bartending, I am considering entering business in another country, possibly South Africa. My question is: How good does an American JD look to growing businesses abroad?

JetSet

Dear JetSet,

The answer to your question depends on what type of “business” you want to pursue. I have it on good information that a contractor with Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation made a numbered time (fixed) deposit in the total money amount of € 10 0,0 000,00.00 (TEN MILLION US DOLLARS) in an Account and on maturity all efforts by the American Embassy to contact his next of kin were Fruitless. They seek a foreigner to open an account to facilitate the transfer of money. I also know that Ms. Nonny Yuri, lonely widow from Ukraine, seeks Kind hearted sir for romance relationship and amenable arrangement. Your opportunities abroad appear endless.

I can’t speak intelligently about the “power” of a JD in Africa or elsewhere. The last place I went abroad was an island off the coast of Croatia and the people seemed more astounded by my alarming pallor than they were by my magnificent education and work experience. I also didn’t see very many businesses there, except for pizza restaurants and One Day Excursion tour operators, both of which are admittedly cash cows. But the world is much bigger than Croatia, and if you’re lucky enough to be in the top 1/3 of your law school class, then you’re pretty much guaranteed a job running a successful business abroad. The future is decidedly less bright for top 1/2 students, many of whom will eek out their lives in Thai prisons, carving dentures out of wood.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Marin

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,

After busting my ass this summer, I received an offer from my firm which was later rescinded because my firm rescinded everyone’s offer. How should I note this on my resume, if it all?

Resume Roadkill

Dear Resume Roadkill,

Picture it: Sicily Philadelphia, 2003. Penn Law OCI. A sprightly blonde law student walks into one of the interview rooms and hands an O’Melveny& Myers attorney her resume. Under “Interests,” her resume lists “historical disasters.” The interviewer asks her what she means by that.

“You know, things like the Titanic, the Hindenburg, the Challenger,” the student explains. “I LOVE that stuff.”

“Oh, so did you ‘love’ 9/11?” the interviewer snaps.

In the distance, a seal is clubbed.

END SCENE

That law student, dear readers, was me.

As the above example demonstrates, jobs are won or lost in the details of a resume. Writing “Offer Retracted” sounds harsh, and implies that they took the offer back because they discovered something horrifying about you, like you don’t wash your hands after using the bathroom or are in a book club. You need to phrase it in a way that succinctly conveys the facts of the situation while blaming the firm and completely exonerating yourself. Since many ATL readers are in similar resume predicaments, I’ve compiled a list of suggested positive resume spins for the bad news:

Offer Received Then Later Revoked Through No Fault of Own
Invalid Offer Received
Don’t Ask
Srsly Don’t Ask
Offer Retracted, Outrageously
Offer Rescission Statement from Firm Attached as Annex A
Offer Redeemable in Narnia
Flaked
Offer Exchanged for Store Credit
Why Do You Think You Have My Resume
Long Story
Do Not Get Me Started
Offer*
Offer Refunded for 2 Cent Deposit in CA, MA, NY & PA

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Marin

*Valid while supplies last

Worst. Advice. EVER. after the jump.

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL -

I was wondering if you could do a post on (legal) coping mechanisms for surviving in BigLaw, besides the usual smoking, drinking, and sleeping with married partners.

BigLaw vs. Corporate America — what makes it so much worse? Is every Corporate America work environment this bleak and depressing?

Audioslave

Dear Audioslave,

I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why the commenters on Above the Law are, on average, thirty times more bitter than commenters on Dealbreaker. I think I’ve got it.

Law firms make a hellish trifecta: literal-minded nitpickers, a 24/7 service industry that creates nothing, and non-merit-based compensation. Unlike finance types or doctors, associates don’t advise companies on how to run their businesses or decide whether to operate; they are paid to paper the trail and implement others’ genius at their beck and call. Once emasculated, associates are measured according to Opposite Day, where precedent is good and new ideas are bad. And even when associates cobble together amazing No Third Parties clauses or blackline the shit out of opposing counsel’s first draft, they doesn’t see another dime. In fact, they’ll be lucky just to keep their jobs and be fleeced once again at year’s end for staff holiday gift contributions. This is all just to say that when seated in an office perfumed with farts and soy sauce, law firm life can seem as pointless as intra-office mail. Pls Hndle,Thx.

Even if you can never be happy at work, the key to coping is finding something on the outside that keeps you going. Not something corny like friends or family — more like Hapkido, presidential trivia, or being into the Titanic. These hobbies are cool in and of themselves, and when you get involved in their online communities, you get a whole new group of internet friends who also hate their jobs and are available to chat during the day. I’m telling you, my life changed when I discovered the Bedlington Terrier Club of America and The Bachelor discussion groups. I was no longer alone.

In any event, it seems you’ve already discovered the ATL online community, so you’re off to a great start. And if all else fails, you can always just quit the firm. Haha jk.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie answers the red courtesy phone, after the jump.

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL -

I’m a 1L at a T14 law school in the midwest. I did my undergrad at the same school, but took a year off before I matriculated to law school. Some of my college friends are now 2Ls. It’s only been a little bit of time since I came back, but over the past year it looks like my former easy-going friends have turned into complete assholes. They’ve become obsessed about the “status” of our school. They are constantly complaining about jobs and money. And they never want to do anything unless it has a direct benefit to their GPAs or their résumés.

How did this happen? Is it the economy, or does law school just do this to people? I don’t want to become like them. Is there any hope for me?

Lone Ranger

Dear Lone Ranger,

The bitter lawyer is more than a stereotype and a website. It’s a way of life. Ever wonder what happened to all those bushy tailed, fashion-Keffiyeh-wearing Creative Writing majors that went to law school for Burmese asylum cases? They’re in the office next to you working on McDonald’s debt offerings and drafting in the passive voice, their will to live creativity successfully beaten out of them after years of getting points off for failing to cite every sentence and enduring Civil Procedure puns. Neither vicious persecution nor death could crush Anne Frank’s spirit, but then again, she never attended law school.

Since it’s certain that you’ll eventually join your friends at Club Bitter, the real question is, just how bitter will you become?

A graphical representation follows after the jump.

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Dear ATL,

What are your thoughts on whether I should take off for the Friday of Rosh Hashanah and/or the Monday of Yom Kippur? I probably wouldn’t go to synagogue (yes, I’m Jewish), but I’d like to just take the day off to, ya know, just observe the holiday in my own way. I don’t want to get on anybody’s bad side at my white shoe firm by taking days off, especially since this place has been known to conduct stealth layoffs.

Do They Know It’s Christmastime At All?

Dear Do They Know It’s Christmastime At All,

When it comes to holidays (Jewish, Christian, Baha’i, Wiccan, whatever) you need to do what you feel is meaningful, law firm be damned. Your firm may penalize you for not showing up to work, but since there’s no hell in Judaism, you can rest easy knowing that God won’t.

The corporate slogan of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, is “A sweet New Year.” For some that may mean going to temple for two days and being around family. I know for a fact that God does not want to me to go to temple and run into better looking, more successful people or the guy from my middle school class who invented topical Viagra and now has a license to print money. God wants me to start off the new year right by sleeping in and eating cheese fries. Instead of weeping and fasting on Yom Kippur, the Jewish answer to Lent, God may want you to punish yourself by reading Dan Brown’s new book or going to a Nickelback concert. There’s just no right way to celebrate.

If you choose not to take off, working through the holidays can still be a wonderful and moving tribute to your heritage. As you work through the night drafting disclosure schedules, you will experience firsthand the anguish of your ancestors who were slaves in Egypt building pyramids for the evil tyrant Ramses II.

May the New Year bring jobs for everyone and make us all repulsively rich.

Your friend,

Marin

After the jump, Death Match: Christmas v. Hannukah.

Law firm mass emails can be a bitter pill to swallow. Nobody wants to be publicly accused of, say, taking craps on the bathroom floor. In that instance, a simple multiple-choice survey on bathroom habits followed by a marksmanship competition would have sufficed. One legal administrator recently learned the hard way that sending inflammatory mass emails is rarely the route to popularity or success. Or is it?

Jordan Reid (née Berkow) is your typical NYC born and bred jerkhat. She went to Dalton private school and then moved on to Harvard, where she got her undergrad degree in cognitive neuroscience. (Ed. note: that’s in the psychology department, nice try.)

Perhaps prompted by her voice coach and by a successful run in a summer camp production of “The Pajama Game,” Jordan went to L.A. to seek fame and fortune. After a few small roles and the requisite appearance on Law & Order, she abandoned ship and returned to NYC, where her she lived in an apartment partially paid for by her parents. As a matter of course, her mom, who worked in a law firm, hooked her up with a job as a legal administrator there. It’s not clear exactly where she worked, but Jordan describes the firm as “a fairly depressing” place, where she sobbed at her desk. If this sounds like your office, join the club email us at tips.

A flip-flop and an email, after the jump.

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL,

I just started law school. I won’t say which one because your readers will call me “TTT.” I’ve read about how terrible the 2L job market is, about the non-existent 3L job market, and about the awful legal economy. But I’m at law school anyway — trust me, it is better than being a lumberjack.

My question is, what can I do to increase my chances of getting a job *this* summer, after my 1L year. Already the career services dean is saying I should “broaden my horizons” and look at secondary markets. But if I wanted to live in bumfuck — again, I’d be cutting wood instead of sitting in a classroom all day. Even if I can’t get a 1L SA position, what can I do 1L summer to make me a more attractive candidate during 2L recruiting?

It might sound weird, but I honestly want the status and respect of being a corporate litigator living in a major city. I don’t feel entitled to that life, I just want to do whatever I can to make that happen. Aside from grades, what can I do?

Logjamin

Dear Logjamin,

I saw this question and nearly punched my monitor but restrained myself because I paid for this computer. Seriously, does anybody even read this column? Turn off your Pandora for a hot minute and read this very carefully: THERE ARE NO JOBS TO BE HAD. They’re not on Monster.com, they’re not on Craigslist. They’re not hiding under some rock guarded by elves in Iceland. Elie and I aren’t hogging them just in case the blogging gigs don’t pan out. There. Are. No. Legal. Jobs. Anywhere. Is that clear? Crystal.

Not sure where you heard about these alleged “1L jobs” because as far as I know there never WERE1L SA jobs - even before economic Armageddon. When I was in law school,1L recruiting consisted of two or three firms rolling up to campus, getting everyone’s hopes up, making people buy itchy suits, conducting sham interviews and hiring no one. It was the oldest scam in the book, along with online dating and Minoxidil. Nobody’s hair ever grew by spraying crap on their head, and nobody ever got a summer associate job through 1L recruiting, either.

For your 1L summer, get creative. Apply to judicial internships (including magistrate, bankruptcy and state judges) - in the jurisdictions where you would consider living. Paper the inboxes of Legal Aid, elder law centers, arts and cultural organizations, humane societies, human rights groups and the other places that clutter your mailbox begging for $15 donations. And if all else fails, the economy hasn’t gotten so bad that you can’t find a job doing something, somewhere. I happen to have a sweet hook up at the Renaissance Faire in Tuxedo, NY so if you’re interested for summer 2010, two-way me and I’ll put you in touch.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie agrees with me OR ELSE, after the jump.